wisdom

Originally published in the Bayard Buzz (RIP).

Bonnaroo – derived from the ancient Cajun term for a kangaroo handjob – was one hell of an orgy in 2007. Replete with dripping skies, vibrating mud, and alligator kabobs, it’s enough to twist a necktie into a bow or a Boston kid backwoods.

Having been broken at the first Bonnaroo by the Flaming Lips six years prior, it was only prudent that they would be the force behind my final undoing. The first time I saw them they were devious, (mocking the crowd, running short people in bunny costumes all over the stage, all while covering Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon), but the second time was just plain mean.

After brainwashing the crowd for the first half hour or so, the lead singer, Wayne Coyne (David Bowie acting like a US President), decided to be democratic and see what his minions would do “if it was up to [them]”. Asking, “If you could drop the bomb, would you?”, everyone enthusiastically responded, “YEAH!!!….I’d do anything man!!…oh Wayne….I love music sooo much man…”, at which point I snapped.

The moment is clear to me. I threw my fists up in the air and shouted at everyone, “Pres. Coyne is trying to destroy you!! Don’t listen to the war mongerer. Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass destruction.” But no one really cared…I was fighting this one on my own.

Not having a penchant for violence, I retreated to my trusty camp chair and suckled on some bourbon for the next 2 hours while formulating a plan to get back at all those brainwashed junky warriors Pres. Coyne was drafting…and laughing at.

Not a moment too soon, the solution crystallized on the ground in front of me: I must become their world to turn it around. So I entered their world, listening to every sound, responding with equal and opposite sounds, just trying to attenuate their innate obedience to President. By interacting with the world as if I was the world, the world became what I wanted it to be.

As the world, I am different, no longer the calm and responsible “Daddy Dan” but the ecstatic and irrepressible Zschleyin, who does what he wants and can only better the world. And believe you me, there is a Zschleyin in all of you. Be sure to let ’em out every once in a while or you might end up as nothing but a pawn in some smug frat boy’s orgiastic crusade.